One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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