she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How naked do you want me to be?
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