he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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