I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
