ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
