I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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