She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
