a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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