need another drink. this is the easiest way
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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