just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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