stop calling my apartment porn island.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
