i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
