I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
we made out on top of his cat.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
