He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
