She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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