My Higher Power is John Stamos
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
