Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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