If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize