come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
