Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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