We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
