This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
