Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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