i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
