The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize