Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
