and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
