I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
