I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
