you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
