dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
