Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
