I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
