You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So I just went to clothing optional bar
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
