remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
