If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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