She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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