I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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