I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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