I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize