Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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