If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
