dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
