so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
