I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I party with great urgency now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
