last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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