i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you win again, gameday.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize