Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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