the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
