you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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