I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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