theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
