I wish I could punch you in the face.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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