just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
