I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
