How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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