I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize