pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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