I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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