yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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