I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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